SMU Survivor!
By DesRuptr
Here we are at the staging area, getting ready to start the highly anticipated SMU Survivor! Brought to you by Tim Horton Donuts....."If You Can Eat "em, then you are already a Survivor!"..... and by Tribble Kibble brand Wolf Chow....."Fill your Wolfie's 17 tummies with Tribble Kibble!" Our contest begins by dividing our contestants into two tribes. Each tribe will have to work together to survive, while doing their damdest to shaft each other out of the contest. As the recent trends on TV have shown, this is called fun! Now, here are our two tribes, as divided by the Listmaker.........................
| THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY "NI!" Skye Lady Serenity & MoonWolf Shalimar August Moon Princess Ivory Earth Heiress BlackWolf KawaiiBabyHotaru Sailor Earth Katt SSG Kakyuu Celes Dark Angel |
THE WASCALLY WABBITS Little Rabbit Lace Hiryu LoneWolf The Cardinal Lion Xqmrp Enygma Lady Drusilla Chibi Love Guardian of the Light Max Ruke Lady Xelloss LSM |
(Click the names of the teams to view artwork for this story done by Moon Princess) |
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Now for the preperation. Each contestant is put through a metal detector and a body cavity search. Everything is taken away from them....weapons, food, matches, ect. The wolves are x-rayed, and canned food & weapons are pumped from their stomachs. This is especially hard on Cardy, who came packed as if he just bought out L.L. Bean. Lady Serenity has to be told over and over she only gets ONE body cavity search. After some debate, it was decided that the dead pikachu in BlackWolf's #12 stomach was actually breakfast, and not a attempt at smuggling food.
Next, each tribe member was given the exact same clothing (except the wolves), and then each tribe was issued the only survival kits they would get for the entire tribe to share. These kits included..........
A copy of The Martha Stewart Survival Guide
a box of condoms
dental floss
ONE toothbrush
The Slim Whitman CD collection
a copy of "Ishtar" on beta
a bottle of sunscreen (SPF 2 & 1/2)
25 pounds of Salt Peter
Next, everyone is issued a parachute, and after being loaded aboard an old DC-3, we are on our way to the deserted island, and our first contest for our survivors. We circle high above the island, and inform everyone that the first member to land on the island, will get to pick the best spot for his or her team to set up their camp. This means that whoever waits the longest to pop their chute will win for his or her team! At a signal from the jumpmaster, everyone goes (or is pushed) out the door. As we watch, chutes start to open....but wait!! Celes is NOT opening her chute! What a tatic by the Queen of the Roof Fallers, as she drops like a cannonball! But LOOK! LoneWolf is also dropping like a rock. He seems to be playing dead, and forgetting to open his chute as well! Its gonna be close..........
SPLAT!! They both hit the beach. LoneWolf goes in deeper, but Celes got there first by a nanosecond. Celes has won for her tribe the right to chose their campsite first! As they do, the other team digs out LoneWolf, wondering if they should keep him, or just have him for dinner. After some debate, its decided to keep him....for now.
Well Fans, our tribes are on the Island, and the drama is ready to begin!. We will check back in a couple of days to see how they are doing, and set them on their first competition against each other. Who will Survive? Who will be voted into the dreaded Yogell Pit? Who will get us the highest ratings? Tune in and find out!
Welcome back to the island. First off today, we will visit the tribes camps, to see how our contestants are adjusting to their new homes. Then we will have our first competition, and see who will become our first sacrifice to the dreaded Yogell Pit.
It the camp of the Wabbit's, it seems they continue to suffer losses. First they lost the contest of getting on the island first, now they have suffered their first fatality. The day after landing, Ruke and LSM found Hiryu at the camp latrine pit. Hiryu had a long pole, and was digging around in the pit. "What are you doing?" Ruke asked. "I dropped my shirt down there." Hiryu replied. LSM got a disgusted look on her face. "You don't want that shirt now, do you?" she asked. Hiryu shook his head. "No! Damn the shirt, my Yogell spoon is in the pocket!" he said. Throwing aside the pole, he jumped in, and he almost got the shirt when the sides of the pit caved in. His teammates decided that since it would take a case of Charmin to clean him up (which they didn't have) that it would be best to let poor Hiryu Rest in Peace. A new latrine pit was dug, and I'm sure it will always remind the others of Hiryu every time they use it.
Otherwise, The Wabbits have adjusted well. Everyone has started to learn what they can do to help the tribe, although Lace and Enygma spend a LOT of time staring off towards the Knight's camp and sighing. There also seems to be some friction between Xq and Max, who refuse to share a tent. (Something about a Sailor Nails???) However, with the help of Little Rabbit's natural leadership abilities, the group is pulling together.
Over at the Knight's camp, there have also been setteling in difficulties. Shalimar built a computer out of cocoanut shells and bamboo, but destroyed it out of frustration when he found he could only access AOL. Katt has made herself comfy in the top of a palm tree, where she is out of reach of hungry wolfies. MoonWolf has just layed on the beach, sunning herself while the others do all the work. LS confronts her about this. "Are you just gonna sit on your furry butt all day?" she asks. MW opens one eye. "I did my part. I broke in the camp toothbrush." she replys. (in the camp, mutch retching is heard) Oh well, thats all part of roughing it. Meanwhile, EH has made a tea set out of sea shells and cocoanuts. A wonderful tea is brewed from seaweed, but to everyone's dismay, there is no butter for the cucumber sandwiches! How barbaric! The only major disagreement to come up so far was between Skye and SSG over curtains for the huts. Skye wanted chintz, while SSG wanted shades. After some hair pulling and name calling, SSG won, with Skye vowing to remember this insult.
Now, On to todays contest between the tribes. We find each group on opposite sides of a river, with a high waterfall before them. Todays contest is simple. Its CLIFF-DIVING! That's right, whichever tribe has a member dive off first (and survive) wins! Both side show a lot of hesitation, and there is much heated conversation about who is gonna go, and it seems........
WAIT! Someone has dived of the cliff! I'm not sure who it is, but it looks like.....Yes! It's August Moon! She's not showing much grace & form by screaming like that, but she is the only one who's dived! WHAM! She hits the water in a bone-jarring belly whopper. Did she....??? YES! She survived. As she drags herself from the water, she is approached by our judge. "Way to go, Loopy! As the winner, you get whatever you want! How about some fishing gear?"
"No!" AM gasps.
"A survival knife?"
"No!" she pants.
"How about a bag of Tribble Kibble?"
"NO!" AM yells. BlackWolf groans in dismay.
"Well what DO you want?" August glares up at the top of the cliff.
"I want the Son of a @$#*&^%# who PUSHED me!" she growls.
At the top of the cliff, Skye points at SSG, as the rest of the Knights back away from her. SSG rolls her eyes. "This is about the curtains, isn't it?" Suddenly the rest of the group starts to chant.... "YOGELL, YOGELL, YOGELL!!!" In a scene out of "Lord of the Flies" or from the last K-Mart After Christmas Sale, the tribe turns into a vicious bloodthirsty mob. They grab SSG and carry her over their head to the pit.
"NO!" screams SSG.
"YES!" yells the tribe.
"floop" suggests the Yogell pit.
"SPLAT!" goes SSG.
There you have it fans. Our first sacrifice to the Yogell pit! Once again our teams are even, but for how long? It seems the strain is already starting to take its toll on our tribes. Two have fallen, but be assured that more will follow. Thanks for joining us today, Oh, and to SSG's and Hiryu's next of kin, you will be getting the Home Verson of our came as a consolation prize. We hope you enjoy it, cause your family members signed a release, so you can't sue us.
Here we are at the end of the first five days of "SMU Survivor". So far, we have seen two people meet a grisley end on the island, and we have seen our ratings go up 25%. So let's get on with the show.
Both tribes have settled in as best as possible, and people have started showing off their talents to the rest of their groups. It's important from the start to demonstrate why they shouldn't be thrown in the Yogell pit, while at the same time, trying to think of reasons why others SHOULD be thrown in! Let's check in first with the Knights Who Say "Ni!"
The Knight's camp looks very clean and well organized, thank's to the efforts of EH and Dark Angel, who have taken the Martha Stewart Survival Guide to heart. There are doileys on all the rocks, and the huts are swept out by wolfie tails every day. Thanks to Skye, there are new curtains up, even though they clash with the bamboo. On the down side, Shalimar has started going thru Coke and Lace withdrawl, neither of which is a pretty sight in itself. August Moon has been in depression since learning of the tragic passing of her lover Hiryu, and she visits the old latrine every day. Another major problem that has *ahem* cropped up, is the lack of shaving equipment for the ladies legs. They were all looking as shaggy as the wolves, when Princess Ivory came up with a solution. She caught some island bees in a clam shell, and bingo! Instant shaver! "I learned it by watching the Flintstones!" she stated proudly. The only other little problem the tribe has faced, is having to build a new hut every day for KawaiiBabyHotaru, who keeps exploding in her sleep.
Over in the Wabbit's camp, things are not so good. The huts are not as well built, and there seems to be more suspicion between the members. It has gotten so bad that Little Rabbit has left her hut, and has dug a burrow down deep in the ground, where she feels safer. The tension between Xq and Max continues to grow for some reason, and Enygma, Cardy, and Ruke seem to be jockeying for leadership. The women seem to be getting along all right. The chit-chat with each other, with looks on their faces that scream "I'll scratch you eyes out, biitch!" Just one big happy family, eh?
Todays contest finds both groups down at the beach. As they listen, we tell them they must choose a member of their tribe for a swimming race. After some conversation, the Wabbits chose Cardy, and the Knight's pick Princess Ivory. As the two step to the waters edge, the rules are explained. They have to swim out to a marker 500 yards away and back, thru shark infested waters. And to make the race more interesting, they have to wear these swimsuits made of pork chops! As the suits are put on them, Cardy starts to protest. "What is this? Thy lame-@ss Gong Show?" Sorry Cardy, but you signed a contract. Grumbling under his breath, he takes his place at the waters edge.
Ready....Set...GO! Both swimmers hit the water, with both tribes cheering them on. They make it to the marker, and head back, with shark fins now moving in on them. Suddenly, PI shoots ahead, leaving a large trail of bubbles in her wake. She reaches the beach first, quickly tearing off the pork chops, and throwing them back to the sharks. This distracts the sharks from Cardy, and he drags himself onto the sand, exhausted. "Well, I guess its the bloody Yogell pit for me." he sighs. Then, without warning, all the wolves and Katt pounce on him, snarling and drooling.and tearing at the pork chops! Moments later, when they walk away, there is nothing left but Cardy's outline in the wet sand.
The Knight's gather around PI, cheering her victory. We get a mike into her to ask her how she was able to swim so fast. She blushes deeply. "They don't call me Ivory-FART for nothing!" Well, however you did it, you are todays winner, so you get to pick something for your tribe. Without waiting to consult with anyone else, she blurts out..."New curtains for our huts!" This brings a chorus of groans from the Knight's, and a VERY dirty look from Skye. Well, the choice has been made, and like it or not, the Knight's have to live with it.
That's all from the island today. The tribe members head back to their camps to try to scrounge up something to eat, while the wolfies and Katt lay bloated and full, snoozing on the beach in the warmth of the setting sun. Oh well, at least some of the contestants got a square meal, and I doubt its the first time Cardy has ben eaten. Be sure to join us next time!
Welcome back to "SMU Survivor" the only show where people actually sign up to die a horrible death for your entertainment. It has been a week now since our contestants were dropped on the island. Both tribes have suffered losses, and yet they carry on, each person hoping they will be the last one standing.
Today is a special event for our tribes. This is the day of the first Tribal Counsels, where each tribe member gets the chance to vent his or her spleen against the others in the group, and at the end, vote someone into the Yogell Pit. We start with the Knights, who are led to the Sacred Counsel site by our referee. The site is impressive, with its 50 foot tall statue of the mighty SMU God eKin, who is shown holding the Sacred Cheeto's! The scene is faintly lit by tiki torches, as the tribe files in and takes their seats around the Yogell Pit. A cracked gong is struck, and the tribe begins its gripe session. "Shal is DISGUSTING!" blurts out AM. "He keeps using the dental floss to clean between his toes! And Dark Angel refuses to get her hands dirty doing anything!" Dark Angel glares back at her. "Well, all you do is visit the old latrine site every day and moan. What's the matter, you got eKin's Revenge or what?" DA shoots back. Before Loopy can lunge at her, Lady Serenity speaks up. "That's nothing! Look at Skye! All she does is bitch about the curtains in camp! She's about as usefull around here as MoonWolf!" she states flatly. "Hey, where is MoonWolf?" Kakyuu asks. The entire group looks around. "I don't know, but BlackWolf is missing as well." observes PI. AM shrugs. "They must be off hunting. They were both pretty hungry." she says. The gripes continue for several more hours, until time is called. Now its time to vote. Who will it be? They all look nervous until the results are read. The loser is..........KawaiiBabyHotaru! It seems that everyone is sick of rebuilding her hut every day. As soon as the decision is announced, the tribe quickly grabs her and tosses her in the pit. PLOP! There! The deed is done! The group starts to leave, when a loud rumbling is heard. BOOM! The pit explodes, showering everyone with Yogell. It looks like although KBH was voted out, she still got the last word! Sticky with Yogell, the rest of the tribe heads back to camp.
Two hours later, the Wabbits trek into the Holy Site.They are a disheartened bunch, having lost the first 2 competitions, and already being down 2 tribe members.Their anger towards each other is evident when they start talking. "I wanna join the other tribe!" whines Chibi Love. "My sissy is there!" Several others also voice their desire to switch. Then Xq stands up. "Come on people! Just because we suffered a few losses doesn't mean we have to give up!" he says. "We need to pull closer together than ever! Shoulder to shoulder! As tight as family! We HAVE to stick together!" Next to him, Max turns into Sailor Nails, and wraps her arms around Xq's legs. "I would LOVE to stick closer to you!" she pants. Xq looks down and turns grey. "Can I switch to the Knight's?" Xq quickly asks. Before any more can be said about this, Lady Xelloss speaks up. "Well, I for one am tired of having to associate with a peon who dares call herself a lady!" she states, her nose in the air. Lady Drusilla jumps to her feet. "Who are you calling a peon? You wouldn't know what lady-like manners were if they bit you in the ass!" she screams. The hair-pulling starts as LR hides under Xq's cap. Enygma tries to break it up, and get's a knee in the groin for his trouble. The rest of the tribe has had enough. As if they were one person, they grab the two fighting Ladies, and toss them in the refilled Yogell Pit. The two slowly sink out of sight, fighting to the last, totally unaware of their fate.
The First Tribal Councels have ended. As the Wabbits head back, LSM notices something. Hey! Where is LoneWolf?" she asks. GOL looks around. "I thought he was here, but he must have run off during the fight." she says. That night in both camps, the members of the tribes wait for the wolves to return, but they never do. With heavy hearts, they decide that some tragic fate has befallen their beloved wolfies. Saddened by the loss, they each vow to continue the struggle, in memory of the horrible, lingering ends the wolves must have faced.
(Scene shifts to a Carnival cruise ship two miles offshore of the island, heading for Mexico..three waiters stand beside a table where three wolves are devouring plate after plate of gourmet food....the waiters are whispering to each other) "I heard they swam out to the ship with no luggage." the first one says. The second waiter nods. "Well, they all had Gold credit cards to pay for the trip, so who cares? They are BIG tippers!" he grins. The third waiter agrees. "But they sure have strange names." he says. "According to their credit cards, the one who keeps playing dead is named Skye. The black shaggy one is named Hiryu, and the one who insists we cut up her Alpo into pate' is Lady Serenity." The other waiters can only nod as the ship sails off into the sunset to the sound of food being gobbled and wolfie burping.
That's all from "SMU Survivor" for today. Be sure to join us again next time.
Welcome back to "SMU Survivor", the only show where people die for your perverted entertainment! (besides the Presidential Debates, that is.) We are now into our second week on the island, and conditions are really starting to go downhill in the camps of both tribes, as food supplies get shorter, tempers fray, and the salt peter runs out.
In the Wabbit's camp, the hostility rate is growing, as their physical conditions continue to weaken. Lack of carrots has made Little Rabbit's fur dull & lifeless, and she has been forced to eat the native radishes to survive.Chibi Love, Ruke, and LSM fight all the time over who gets to use the camp toothbrush next, while GoL hords the copy of "Ishtar". Poor old Xq seems to have suffered a breakdown of some kind. All he wants to do is sit on the beach and play with the model train he built out of driftwood and crab shells. What's even stranger is that instead of going "choo-choo!", he keeps saying "Ru-Ru!" The only bright spot seems to be Max, who has been keeping the group fed with fresh fish. All he has to do is transform into Sailor Nails, and they have the best spear fisherman (or woman) on the island.
The Knight's are also having their share of problems. A blood feud seems to have developed between Skye and Princess Ivory over the drapes issue. The only thing that keeps the two apart is that PI has also discovered the native radishes, and Skye fears all-out gas warfare. Earth Heiress is frustrated over the lack of things to make tea out of, and was emotionally crushed when the rest of the tribe said her codfish brew was undrinkable without lemon. Kakyuu, Celes, and Dark Angel have stopped sharing a hut, because Celes keeps falling out of bed and waking everyone up at night. It seems that the only one that everybody in the tribe tried to cozy up to is Katt, who has become the main food supplier. With her hunting skills, every morning she brings several plump rats into camp for breakfast, and with a little work, they make GREAT stir-fry. Poor Lady Serenity and August Moon continue to mourn the loss of their wolfies, who's remains have never been found. Even though their pets are gone, they continue to have feelings of forboding, as if even though they are gone, the wolves are still costing them money.
Now its time for todays contest between the tribes. We find both groups on opposite sides of a large, deep pit full of thick, gooey mud. Todays contest is simple. Its Tag Team Mud Wrestling! Each tribe must pick two members to battle it out in the pit! After some discussion, Shalimar and Lady Serenity step forward for the Knights. Without any discussion amongst the Wabbits, Lace and Enygma leap forward to the edge of the pit. All four get a glazed look on their faces, and without even waiting for a ready-set-go, all four leap into the mud. Wait! This was supposed to be tag-team! We look to our referee, Miles Lane, for a decision "I'll allow it!" he states With that, our attention is drawn back to the pit, where both tribes are cheering madly for their teammates.The mud is flying, and there is much screaming and grunting. Clothing is being ripped off, and........wait a moment...that's NOT wrestling going on in there! That's................EWWWWWWWWW! What say you now, Miles Lane? "I'll DEFINTELY allow it!" he pants, his eyes bugging out more than usual as he adjusts his VCR camera.. We check with our producers in New York to see if this can be shown on national TV. They inform us that the video feed is going out live, and that our ratings are up 75%, and that no matter what, KEEP GOING!!
Suddenly, silence decends over our groups. We look at the pit, and there is no sign of our four contestants. The surface of the mud is smooth and calm, with only four smouldering cigarettes sticking up like so many grave markers. After a few moments, even those sink into the ooze and disappear. Wow! That was exciting,n but who wins? We turn to Miles Lane again. He ponders for a moment....... "This is a clear case of coming and going at the same time. Since all four went down, I declair this contest a draw!" There you have it fans. Both sides groan at this, but in a way they knew it was coming, since they had run out of salt peter. As a concolation prize, each tribe is given a case of Spam, so that they can have memorial dinner for their fallen comrades. As they head back for their camps, Sailor Earth was heard to mutter..."A case of Spam for Shalimar. Not much of a trade-up." Well SE, at least you can eat Spam.
Tha's all for this episode of "SMU Survivor" Join us next time for more quality family viewing.
*NOTE..Copies of Miles Lane's tape with close-up's of todays action can be yours for only 24.95 plus S & H. Order your's today, while supplies last*
Thanks for tuning in again to "SMU Survivor", the internet's answer to "Gilligans Island". Last time, we saw a exciting contest between our two tribes end in a draw. What will happen to our contestants today? Let's visit the camps and find out.
Things have started to improve in the Wabbits camp. The remaining tribe members seem to be pulling together more now than they did at the start. They complain less, and a steely resolve seems to have filled their spirits. This may be in part to the case of WW2 Japanese sake that Max found in a cave in the hills. The only concern is the strange noises and smell that Little Rabbit has reported as coming from underground. Rumors of a Kaka Monster who lives underground and tunnels around the island have started circulating around the camp, but until there is more evidence, most folks tend to disbelieve it.
Sad to say, but things have started to slide in the Knights camp since last time we visited. The loss of Shalimar and his natural leadership abilities has severly handicapped the tribe. Skye has tried to assume leadership, but her people are reluctant to trust someone with such bad taste in window coverings. PI has used up the last of the condoms, and now has nothing to play with, and has become bored and lethargic. EH and SE argue with each other all the time over who was first to use "Earth"in their name. Only Katt seems well fed and happy (as long as the rats hold out) Kaky hopes Katt stays that way, since Katt may end up as their emergency rations.
Now let's get to todays competition. We have both tribes join us on the beach. Before we announce what the contest will be, we have each tribe select a member to be buried up to their necks in the sand at the waters edge. The Knights choose Dark Angel, and the Wabbits pick LSM. Both are quickly buried up to their necks, as the tide starts to come in. Now to explain todays contest, here is our guest host for today.......REGIS PHILBIN!!!
Regis steps forward. "ThankYou all you Survivor fans out there! Todays contest is a simple one. I will choose someone from each tribe, and ask them three questions. If they answer all three correctly, and in enough time to save their teammate, they will win! Are you all ready?" Both tribes nod, and the contest is under way. Pointing to Little Rabbit, Regis motions her forward, and starts asking questions.
"OK, Little Rabbit, here we go. Who was the first man alive?" he asks. LR comes right back with her answer.
"Adam!" she states.
"THAT'S RIGHT! Two more to go!" Regis replys. "For your second question.....Who was the First Woman??"
"EVE!!" LR shouts. The entire Wabbit tribe is cheering.
"CORRECT!" yells Regis. "Now for your final question. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" A look of deep thought crosses Little Rabbit's face as she struggles to think of a answer.
"Gee, that's a hard one!" she stammers. Regis throws both hands up in the air.
"THAT'S ABSOLUTLY CORRECT!!!" he screams. Litle Rabbit is surrounded by her tribemates, who rush with her to dig up LSM. Regis now turns to the Knights, and scans their faces before pointing at August Moon. She steps forward, while Dark Angel starts to sweat. "Are you ready, August?" Regis asks. She smiles and nods yes. "All right then, here is your first question. What was the worst shipwreck in history?" AM comes right back with a answer.
"The sinking of the Titanic!" she says.
"RIGHT!" says Regis. DA starts to relax a bit as the second question is asked. "How many people died when the Titanic sank?"
"About 1,500 people!" AM replys.
"RIGHT AGAIN!" Regis yells. Dark Angel starts to smile. One more answer, and its all over. "Now here is your final question. Name the 1,500 who died!" All the color drains from DA's face as AM smiles sweetly.
"Well, there was Adams, Anderson, Andrews, Baker, Brown, Barnes,.........." This goes on for over a hour, until Regis calls a halt.
"I'm sorry AM, but as you can see, DA has been under water for over fifty minuits now, and the bubbles have stopped. I'm afraid you lose. But thanks for trying!" As he shakes AM's hand, she slips him a C-note, then she looks at the high tide and grins again.
"eKin's Revenge MIASS!" she growls.
There you have it folks! The Wabbits have won their first contest. They head back to camp, wondering what they will get for their victory. The answer is not long in coming. Tonight, they will get a meal delivered from off the island, to celibrate their victory with. The food is delivered fresh and hot. It's........WHITE CASTLES!! Talk about eKin's Revenge! Still, food is food, and the Wabbits gorge themselves on the little square hamburgers. The rest of the night is filled with singing, dancing, and trips to the latrine. Later that night, if anyone had been awake to hear it, loud gaging started coming from the latrine pit. Could there really be a KaKa Monster? Only time will tell!
That's all from the island today. Now lets take a moment to check the "SMU Survivor" mailbag. Over the past few days, we have gotten over 5,000 letters from people in Alabama, al of them asking the same thing. Would we PLEASE rerun the scenes of Cardy being eaten? Well, the fans have demanded it, so we are proud to replay the Great Wolfie and Katt Sack of Cardy on the beach, along with never befor seen footage shot from several diffrent camera angles during the feast. We hope you enjoy them, and we hope to see you next time.
It's time once again for "SMU Survivor"! The highest rated show since the time the Playboy Channel got switched with The 700 Club! On our last show, the Wabbits were estatic over their first win, while the Knight's mourned the loss of another teammate. (well, ALMOST all the Knight's) There is a pall of fear over the island right now, as rumors of the KaKa Monster continue to spread through both teams. This evil creature has resisted all attempts at capture so far, and the search for him continues on both sides.-- DAY 17 --
In the Wabbit's camp, the fear has driven everyone into one hut at night. This makes them feel safer, but with the Right Guard having run out shortly after landing on the island, sleeping and breathing are difficult at best. All the Wabbits are getting thin, and many are sick to death of the fish diet. The worst thing is their fear of using the latrine, and they agree to only "go" in pairs to the pit. We will see how long they can keep this up. It should be worth a few laughs!
Over at the Knight's camp. Things are about the same as at the Wabbits. Fear of the KaKa Monster invade everyone's thought's, except Katt, who feels safe and secure up in her tree. Celes has moved out of camp, and is living alone deep in the jungle, where she pratices her Blue Mage magic, which many on both sides blame for the KaKa Monster being there. The others try to muddle through every day, with the goal of being the last survivor now getting closer.
Today's contest is a simple one, since our contestants are all so tired. We have both tribes assemble in a clearing, and give them each a kettle of water. All they have to do is build a fire without matches, and bring the kettle of water to a boil. Both sides look confident as the contest is announced. With the blowing of a whistle, both teams run off to gather wood. In a few moments, both teams have enough wood for a bonfire, and the real work of getting them lit is begun.
On the Wabbit's side, the entire team is together, trying to think. "How can we get this lit?" Ruke asks.
"If we had some flint and steel, we could use that to make sparks." Xq says. Chibi Love pulls a rock from her pocket.
"I think this is flint, but we have no steel to hit it with." she says. Max grins and takes the rock from her.
"I can do this! All I need is this and Little Rabbit!" ha states. Walking over to the wood, Max transformes into Sailor Nails. Extending her nails, she shaves some fur off LR to use as tinder. Then, dragging the super-hard fingernails across the flint, the sparks start to fly! In a few moments, the fur catches fire, and the wood starts to catch. It looks like the Wabbits have this one in the bag!
The Knight's are also standing around their firewood, wondering how to get it started. They see smoke starting to rise from the Wabbits fire, and start to panic. "Use your fire vision to light the damn thing, Celes!" Sailor Earth demands. Celes tries, and the wood starts to glow red, but there is no flame.
"I'm so weak from lack of food, I don't know if I can do it!" Celes pants. The panic starts to grow.
"If I was at home and trying to start the BBQ grill, I would throw gas on it!" Kakyuu says. This gives Princess Ivory a idea. She steps forward, turns around, and bends over.
"Here comes the gas!" she yells. The others dive for cover.
"Ivory, NO!" Skye yells. But it is too late.
FART!!!
KABOOM!!!
A mushroom cloud the likes not seen since Nagasaki rises over the island, and everybody is knocked to the ground. When the smoke clears, we rush in with our cameras to see what's left. There is a deep crater where the wood was. In the bottom is a pile of hot coals, and on the coals, is the kettle. Its bent and twisted, but intact and boiling. There is also no sign of Ivory and Celes. It seems both have sacrificed their lives for their team, though I'm not sure that was their intention. The Wabbits call a Foul on the play!
"Nobody said this was Kamikazi Water-Boiling!" GoL states. "If it was, we would have been happy to sacrifice Chibi Love!" The other members of the team nod in agreement. We turn to referee Miles Lane for a decision.
"You still lose! But if you want to get rid of Chibi Love, you still have to sacrifice someone for your loss!" Miles rules. Without further delay, Chibi Love is thrown into the portable Yogell Pit that we just happen to have for this contest.
What a day folks! Another victory for the Knight's, and another sacrifice to the Pit! Both teams head back to camp to divide up the property of the deceased and the Knight's win a can of soy sauce for their rat stir-fry All in all, a good day, and at least for a few hours, the KaKa Monster was forgotten.
We'll be back next time. You be here too!
It is the middle of the night on the island. All is quite as our tribes sleep in their camps. Then the ground starts to tremble. Suddenly, the earth splits, and a filthy hand extends towards the light of the moon, a crusted spoon in its fingers. Slowly, the strange apperition drags itself from the soil, foul oders wafing from its body. With slow, shuffeling steps, it heads towards the Knights camp. Softly, it repeats the same word over ond over....."Loopy!...Loopy!" It gets closer and closer to the huts, its excitment growing. It leaps over the last fallen tree between it and its goal................ .........and lands smack into the Knights latrine pit! After a moment of silence, the voice is heard again echoing of the walls of the pit. "Oh SHIIT! Not again!" With a choked sob and several curses, the sound of digging begins again.
Welcome back to "SMU Survivor", the only show with more deaths per day than the Texas State Prison System. Much has happened since we last visited the tribes, so let's look in on them and see whats new, shall we?-- DAY 19 --
In the Knights camp, food is scarce. The rats have run out, and the group is living on whatever EH can make tea from. Kakyuu suggested that they eat Katt, which caused her to run off into the jungle. This upset everyone, since not only did this scare off their best hunter, but cost them dinner. Skye has started to go thru sever internet withdrawl, and she is plagued by bad dreams of Mal having taken over all her web pages. August walks around in a daze, having lost her love and Hiryu both. She spends her time making a Hiryu scarecrow, and giving tummy rubs to passing sea turtles. Sailor Earth goes looking for Katt, but the scared feline is never seen again.
Over at the Wabbits, things are not much better. Max continues to keep them fed with fish, but its like eating at Long John Silvers every day, and the group is hungry for something else. GoL and Ruke are so hungry, they start looking at Little Rabbit, and in their fevered thoughts, she looks like a roast chicken.Fearing for his daughters life, Xq rushes her into the forest in the dead of night. When he returns the next morning, he is alone. His teammates question him about LR, but he refuses to answer. This leaves them to believe he either got her off the island somehow, or he ate her himself. Well, they never find out, and he ain't talking.
Today, its time for our second Tribal Councils. Once again the Knight's make the long trek to the Sacred Site, and take their places around the Yogell Pit. At the sound of the gong, the fight for survival begins. Almost at once, everybody starts ganging up on Kakyuu. "It's all YOUR fault we're starving! YOU scared Katt away!" yells Skye. All the others nod in agreement. Kaky stands up.
"Well, you all would have eaten her too!" Kaky says. EH jumps to her feet.
"The point is, YOU scared her away before we even got the chance!" she states. Then the rest of the tribe starts to chant.
"YOGELL, YOGELL, YOGELL!!!" they chant. They all grab Kaky and heave towards the Pit. Kaky lands in the slime, but for some reason, doesn't sink.
"You fools!" Kaky laughs. "I KNEW this would happen, so I put cocoanuts in my pants so I would float, so NYAH!" Kaky keeps laughing, while Sailor Earth goes over to the statue of eKin, and pulls the arm down like a hadel on a slot machine.
"FLUSH!" The Yogell in the pit starts to swirl around. Faster and faster it goes, until it all vanishes, taking Kaky with it. Once again, the majority has spoken, and justice has been done! This time, instead of leaving, we have the Knigh's move off to one side to wait for the Wabbits to arrive.
Soon the Wabbits trudge into the Sacred Site. They look at the Knight's as they take their places around the pit. The gong is sounded, and the discussion begins.There is little said though, since they are all tired. Finally, its time to vote. The results come back, and its 4 to 1 against GoL. Obviously, this was pre-planned, but hey, rules are rules. GoL stands with a brave look.
"Tis a far far better thing I do than I have ever done before! A far better resting place than I have ever....." SPLAT, FLUSH! Bye bye GoL, thanks for playing our game! We now bring in the remaining Knights. As of today, we are combining the remaining eight contestants into one tribe. The Survivors so far are.....
Xqmrp
Max
Ruke
LSM
Skye
August Moon
Earth Heiress
Sailor Earth
These are our finalists. They must now combine their camps into one, and not only survive the island, but each other. We wish them all well. With than, the new tribe heads back to start working on the new camp. They are already arguing over what to call themselves, "The Wascally Knights" or "The Wabbits Who Say "Ni!" We will find out next time! See you there!
*scene shifts to a raft floating on the ocean. There is a crate lashed to it, In the crate is a massive pile of radishes and other greens, along with a very seasick Little Rabbit. Suddenly, the pile of greens starts to move and a head pops up. It's Katt!*
"What are you doing here?" LR asks.. Katt grins.
"I saw Xq was getting you off the island. Since my tribe wanted to eat me, I decided to join you. I hid in the greens when Xq wasn't looking." Katt said. LR breathed a sigh of relief.
"Welcome aboard! Have some salad." she offered. Katt shook her head.
"No thanks, I never eat veggies. LR frowned at this.
"Its a long trip. What will you eat?" she asked. Katt grinned again, and LR started feeling ill again. She hoped this would be a SHORT trip after all!
*The SMU Nighttime Movie, "Princess Ivory and the Bean Factory" will not be seen tonight in order to bring you another disaster of gastonomical proportions...
Welcome back to "SMU Survivor", the hottest thing on a island since the Bikini A-Bomb Tests! On our last show. we saw our two tribes combine after a dramatic scene at the Sacred Site. Let's join our contestants and see how they are getting along as one big family, eh?
On the trek back from the Yogell Pit, it was decided that the former Wabbits would move into the Knights campsite. The old Wabbit huts were torn down, and the material used to make the Knight's huts better. Then started the debate on a new tribe name. After several were rejected, including "Skye's Minions" and "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter", they decided on "The Wascally Knight's" in honor of both groups. Once that was settled, the work of day to day living got started.
Everyone seems to be working together, but there is a undercurrent of distrust. Everyone wants their own hut, afraid to sleep together. Ever since Little Rabbit vanished, nobody wants to be alone with Xq, though he swears he didn't eat her. Ruke declairs himself leader of the tribe, though nobody pays any attention to him. And to top it all off, the KaKa Monster continues to throw fear into everyone's souls, with his constant moaning and digging at night. Max tried to capture the beast, but was unsucessfull, finding only a trail of slime leading out of the trap that was set. A high fence of bamboo is built around the huts, in a attempt to keep the creature out.
Today is the first contest where its every man (or woman) for themselves. We take our contestants down to the beach, and give each one a diffrent colored tee shirt for identification. The shirts hang on them like dresses due to the weight they have lost while on the island. Earth Heiress twirles around in her shirt. "I always DID look good in little black dresses!" she giggles
Today's contest is a easy one. Its a foot race down the beach! Last one to the finish line gets a Yogell bath! The contestants line up....BANG! They're off! Everyone is about even, except Xq who drops behind at once. They are still running even, when a four-footed form breaks from the woods and starts chasing EH.
It's todays special guest star, GRANDPA WOLF! (Grandpa Wolf appears courtsey of our sponser, Tribble Kibble) EH takes one look behind her and screams! With a awsome burst of speed, she shoots ahead of all the others, crossing the finish line first, and in record time! But wait! What's this? She and Grandpa Wolf don't stop, but continue running into the jungle, where they vanish into the thick underbrush! Back at the finish line, the others start to cross, where they flop in the sand and wait for Xq. During the two hour wait, the sounds of a little black dress being gummed to death echo out of the jungle. Finally, Xq arrives, ready to have a heart attack.
"I.........I give up!" he pants. "Take me to the Yogell Pit and get it over with!" As the others start to move in, a strange sounds reaches their ears. Suddenly, a helicopter appears over the beach. A net is dropped, and Xq is swept away in it.
"We got him, Mommy!" Little Rabbit crows, as Lady Ru lifts off.
"I know dear, but he rides out there til we get home and he takes a bath!" Ru replies, a clothspin on her nose! The other survivors can only stare as the chopper heads off into the setting sun.
"We was ROBBED!" yells LSM. We turn to referee Miles Lane for a decision.
"You snooze, you lose! That's my ruling on this one." Miles states "EH is the winner!" With that, our six remaining contestants stumble back to camp, and this time, there is nothing hot to drink after a hard day. EH will be missed, but not her seaweed tea.
That's it for "SMU Survivor" for today. Our thanks to Grandpa Wolf for joining us for todays fun. See you all next time.
Welcome back to "SMU Survivor" , the show where I, The Listmaker, hold the power of life and death with only a keyboard. Well, we are down to only six contestants now, since another one was rescued last time, and another became wolf poo-poo. What will become of those that are left? Let's get right to todays action, and find out.
We start with all six contestants standing on the beach as we explain what we have in store for them. Up til now, they have only had to survive against the elements, dumb contests, and each other. But today is gonna be diffrent. For the amusement of our viewers, our contestants are going to face their hardest challenge yet. They are going to be hunted on national television! We have spared no expense for this contest, including bringing in the greatest hunter in the world. Here now is our guest star for the day, the greatest hunter we could get for little cash......CROCODILE SAG KNIGHT!
Sag Knight walks out onto the beach. He is wearing his spaceknight armour with a aussie hat, and cans of Foster's hanging from his belt. He is draped with all kinds of guns and grenades and bazooka's and knives and other nasty things. Popping the top on a brew, he addresses the contestants. "G'day prey! Today's rules are very simple. You get a hour's headstart, then I come after you. If you are still alive by sunset, you win! Otherwise....." he makes a slashing motion across his throat! He takes a long pull at the beer, then looks at the people, who are standing there in shock. "Well? GO!" he yells with a burp. At that the contestants scatter for the jungle. One hour and 6 beers later, Sag and our camera crews head out.
Skye is seen running thru the dense undergrowth. She is nearly in a blind panic as she tries to put as much distance between herself and the hunter. She stumbles into a clearing, and freezes at the sight before her. There is a large pile of the finest curtains she has ever seen! Lace, chintz, silk, even custom blinds! Next to them is a brand new super-computer, and it is activated to her web page! In a daze, she slowly walks towards the pile, drool running down her chin....................................
SNAP! A trap is sprung, and a net hoists her up into the air! As she struggles to free herself, SK steps out into view & addresses the camera. "You see how the wild chipmink can be lured in by simply baiting the trap with its favorate things." he says. He then looks up at Skye. "Any last words?" he asks. Skye glares at him.
"You may have won, but my web pages live on!" she declairs. "Even dead, I can run them better than Mal!" With those final words of defiance, Skye is quickly clubbed and skinned. With his trophy secure, Crocodile Sag moves on.
Ruke trots steadly down a hidden trail cut throught the jungle that leads to the other side of the island. He thought something like this might be coming, and had prepaired for it days ago by setting up a secret camp on the far side of the island. He had planned on trying to take August Moon there with him, but hey! Its every man for himself. As he rounds a turn in the trail, he suddenly freezes. There ahead of him is a pile of palm fronds covering the trail. "How lame does Sag think I am, using a pit trap right out of Pokemon!" he sighs. He steps to the left of the trail to go around the trap.
SPLAT! Ruke falls down into a hidden pit dug at the side of the trail! Crocodile Sag moves in. "Another clean capture!" he says. "Now to retreive my trophy!" But before he can get Ruke, screams echo from the pit, and a cloud of fumes float up, wilting the leaves of the surrounding trees. A voice can be heard deep in the pit.
"MY Loopy!!!.....MINE!!" it screams. When Sag shines a light down the hole, he sees nothing but a tunnel and a trail of slime. He gags at the smell.
"I think I'll pass on that trophy!"he wisley decided. Besides, there are other fish yet to fry!
Sailor Earth stands her ground in a clearing. She has decided to fight rather than run. She looks all around, jumping at every noise that might suggest the approach of Crocodile Sag. Finally, he steps out into the clearing and faces her. "You arn't much of a challenge!" he says with a grin. She sneers back at him.
"You won't be grinning for long, clown!" she states. With that, she charges across the clearing to attack. She is just about to reach him, when there is a sound from the other side of the clearing. She turns, and there is...THE BACKSTREET BOYS! They start to sing, and she is hypnotized by the music. As she stands with big anime hearts where her eyes should be, LSM wanders out of the jungle and stands beside her, hearts in her eyes as well.
"This is almost too easy!" Crocodile Sag whispers as he shoots them both in the ass with tranqulizer darts. The women both drop into deep sleep as Sag turns off the hologram projector. In a matter of moments, the women are crated and being airlifted to the labs of Project Shalimar, a experimental breeding farm. Crocodile Sag watches them go, as he kisses his $10 Grand cashiers check he got for them. "Four down, two to go!" he says.
Crocodile Sag is wary now. These last two are the most dangerous prey to deal with, and he knows his senses have to be at their sharpest. Downing another Fosters, he follows a faint trail back to the beach. There, he cannot believe his eyes. Laying on a sand dune, wearing nothing but a smile, is August Moon! In one hand she holds a comb, and in the other, a cocoanut shell full of homemade hair oil. Crocodile Sag starts to drool, as Auggie speaks to him. "I knew I had no chance to escape, so I decided to give up!" she says in a husky voice. Crocodile Sag staggars forward, his jaw hanging slack. "Let me do your hair for you, before we end this." AM whispers. Nodding, Sag kneels down beside her. As she reaches for his hair, she drops the comb into the sand. "Oopsie!" she giggles. He smiles and bends over to pick it up!
WHAM!! AM belts him in the head with a club she had hidden in the sand. "Sometimes the best way is the simplest way!" she says! Quickly stripping Crocodile Sag of his weapons, she drags him into the surf, where all the cans of Fosters act like a life jacket, keeping him afloat. "Give my reguards to Shark Gordon, or at least to the sharks, you wanker!" she says with a wave as he drifts out on the tide headed back to Australia. As she gets dressed, Max walks out of the jungle. "Where have you been?" AM asks. Max grins.
"I found Katt's old tree nest." he says, pointing up at a tall palm tree. "From there, I was able to see everything. Absolutly EVERYTHING!" he adds with a leer. AM glares at him, and their eyes lock as the realization sinks in. They are the last two people on the island (not counting the KaKa Monster). They know that only one will survive. Who will it be? Max, or August Moon? Be sure to tune in next time for the exciting conclusion of SMU Survivor.
*SPECIAL NOTE!...Now you can own a piece of "SMU Survivor" for your very own. This lovely, one of a kind stuffed Skye can be yours for the highest bid on Ebay. This is the only stuffed chipmink hide known to exist, so be sure to bid high, and bid often!*
Welcome to the final installment of "SMU Survivor" This is a historic event in television history! This episode is being carried live on every network at the same time! (except Fox, which is showing the 2 hour special, "When Goldfish Attack!") Over the last few weeks, we have seen the number of our contestants go from the original 28 to only 2. Now the question becomes...who will be our winner? Who will have the courage, the will, the desire to be the last one standing? Lets go to our contestants and find out.
Since our last show, tension on the island is at a all time high! Max and August Moon keep their distance from each other in the camp, while playing a game of psychological warfare. Max eats fresh fish every day, while AM survives on radishes and cocoanuts. In the evenings, Max finds it hard to sleep, because AM makes lots of noise sharpening the bowie knife she took off Crocodile Sag Knight. When he asks her to stop, all she does is smile at him. This goes back and forth for two days, until they are both ready to commit homicide. Since this is just what we wanted, we now feel they are ready for the final contest.
We take them both to the Sacred Site, which has been specialy prepaired for today. A thick beam is placed across the bubbling Yogell Pit, and AM and Max are dresed in only loincloths. (This is good for both fighting AND ratings) Each is then handed a quarterstaff. The contest is simple. The last one left standing on the beam is the Grand Winner! Referee Miles Lans approaches the two. "Max, August, this is the Final Battle. I don't want a good clean fight. What I want is to get this done and go home for a steak dinner and a bath. So....LET'S GET IT ON!" Max transforms into Sailor Nails (which is even better for the ratings) and the battle begins! For several long minuits, the battle seems even, with both women getting in several good blows. Then Nails extends her steel hard talons, knocking the staff from AM's hands. She loses her balance and falls, grabbing the beam at the last moment. Sailor Nails looks down at her, then changes back into Max.
"Nothing personal AM! But this is why its called Survivor." he says with a sad smile. A look of horror croses AM's face as Max lifts his foot to stomp her fingers and send her into the Yogell. But just as Max lifts his foot, a slimey hand shoots up out of the Yogell Pit, and grabs his other ankel. Off-balance, Max gives a choked scream as he is pulled into the pit! As AM pulls herself back up onto the beam, Max vanishes under the ooze. After one or two bubbles break the surface, all is quiet. AM crawls offf the beam as Miles Lane approaches her, and lifts her arm in victory.
"I officially declare August Moon the Winner!" he yells. AM seems exhausted but happy. She turns to the camera to make a statement, when there is a noise behind her. We all turn, and a horrible scene meets our eyes. A creature is rising from the Yogell. Its foul smelling, and dripping, with sunken, bloodshot eyes. It points a grime encrusted finger at AM, and croaks out one word.
"LOOPY!" it screams. For some reason, AM is not afraid. She approaches the KaKa Monster, and starts to wipe the crud from its face. As she wipes away each layer, the smile on her own face gets wider. Suddenly, she kisses the filthy face. Its Hiryu! He's alive! But what does this do to the results of the contest? We go back to Miles Lane for a decision.
"I already said August was the winner. Since I have already been paid, I don't give a damn!" And with that, Miles leaves. Hiryu wants to keep hugging AM, but she pushes him away.
"No more til you jump in the ocean and soak for a bit! You smell like the seat cushion on Shalimar's desk chair!" she says, holding her nose. Hand in hand, they head for the beach.
Several hours later, AM & Hiryu are standing on the beach, watching the sun set. "I'm so glad to be out of those tunnels!" Hiryu says. "It wasn't too bad, except when everyone ate those White Castles." AM nods in understanding.
"Now you know why I call them Rectum Rockets!" she says with a laugh. While they are sharing this warm, fuzzy moment, a Huey appears on the horizon, a large crate hanging under it. "That must be my prize for winning!" AM cries, as the chopper drops the crate on the beach, then flys off. AM grabs the bowie knife, and she and Hiryu pry the top off. What could it be? Cash? A new car? Everything Hello Kitty ever made? They finally get the lid loose and toss it aside. A furry head pops up.
"WOOF!" Its BlackWolf in the crate. Around his neck is a deportation notice from Mexico (something about eating beachgoers out of season) AM claps her hands together!
"Now the whole family is back together!" she squeels. BlackWolf looks at Hiryu and starts to drool. Hiryu turns pale and starts to run down the beack, with the hungry wolf at his heels. Then AM notices something else in the crate. It looks like a Mexico City Yellow Pages, its so thick. She picks it up and starts to read it, as the color drains from her face. Its her Visa bill that BW ran up in Mexico. At the bottom its stamped "Paid in Full" It seems the producers of "SMU Survivor" paid for it with AM's winnings from the show. Taped at the very bottom is a dime. Her change.Turning beet red, she once again grabs the bowie knife.
"MUTTLEY!!!" she screams. as she tears of down the beach. Its so nice to see a happy winner reunited with her family. We would love to show you how thias turns out, but thats all the time we have.
I hope you have enjoyed "SMU Survivor" as much as I have enjoyed bringing it to you. I want to thank the members of both tribes for being such good sports about this entire farce. Here they are again, in the order of their demise.....
THE WASCALLY WABBITS
Hiryu
The Cardinal Lion
Lady Drusilla
Lady Xelloss
LoneWolf
Lace
Enygma
Chibi Love
Little Rabbit
Guardian of the Light
Xqmrp
Ruke
LSM
Max
THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY "NI!"
SSG
KawaiiBabyHotaru
BlackWolf
MoonWolf
Shalimar
Lady Serenity
Dark Angel
Princess Ivory
Celes
Katt
Kakyuu
Earth Heiress
Skye
Sailor Earth
August Moon
(Click the names of the teams to view artwork for this story done by Moon Princess)
Thanks again to our sponsers, Tim Horton Donuts, and Tribble Kibble brand wolf chow, for helping us bring this fine program to you. Join us again in the fall, when we will bring you "SMU Survivor II, Lost in New Jersey"
(Special thanks to Earth Heiress, for originally suggesting "SMU Survivor" to me. Without her inspiration, none of these folks would be dead today!)